Triggers
Feeling safe to speak my truth.
I have had several opportunities to stand up for myself. My fear of conflict has stopped me.
When I was doing dishes at my brothers’ home, I used a dish pad that could scratch a pot I was cleaning. My brother saw what I was doing and said; “you’re stupid.” I was immediately hurt by his words. This has been a lifelong trigger for me. I had been criticized by my mom and brother for most of life. Several times my brother would call me dumb.
At that time, I didn’t say anything to my brother. I washed the rest of the dishes and went home. I also held onto those feelings and blamed myself for using the wrong dishcloth.
Months later my brother brought up the conversation. Saying; “I was just joking, and you didn’t have to react as you did.” It’s interesting how he brought up the subject. Even though I did not say anything, he knew his words had triggered me. He could feel the change in energy and see my physical reaction. He was feeling something and held onto what he was feeling for months and he tried to blame me.
Know this; he was not joking. I didn’t stand up for myself. Holding onto these feelings did not help me nor change the pattern. In the past, I would hold onto criticism and hurt feelings. I was determined to get revenge. So, when an opportunity would present itself, I would use hurtful words. I did this because I was hurting and didn’t know how to express my feelings.
In the situation with my brother, I knew I was hurt and triggered. I didn’t want to hold onto these feelings. I did not blame my brother; he gave me a gift to grow from. I forgave him and myself. I accepted this as another learning experience and planned on reacting better the next time.
I chose to change my pattern and reaction to conflict!
Recently I was bullied verbally and physically pushed. Initially, I walked away and cried. Other people around me told me they had my back. That also gave me the confidence to stand up for me! I put out loving energy and said to the bully “I love you.” I also stood up for myself and defended an untrue statement. When I was pushed, I said; “do not push me.”
“What’s my part in all this?
Why would I let someone bully me?
How do I change this pattern?”
Stop in that moment and check in with myself. What’s going on?
Speak my truth.
Stop the pattern.
I have been uncomfortable with conflict. The energy and words around conflict scare me. I am learning to have the confidence to speak the truth about my feelings. Ensuring that I speak from the heart with respect and compassion. Be aware of what is my issue and what is someone else’s. Be ok that it may cause people to become angry or defensive. The other person may not see or feel the same way I do and that’s ok. However, that does not give anyone the right to step all over me; physically or verbally.
I love peace. So how do I bring an uncomfortable and potentially confrontational situation to a place where coherent conversation can occur?
Find my center.
Know my truth.
Have conviction.
The Process:
Write out and practise these conversations in front of a mirror. Simply asking the other person; I would like to talk about a situation I am uncomfortable with, are you ok with that? Be honest with my feelings!
Timing:
One can approach this in several ways, here are a couple of ways:
Deal with the situation at the moment.
Ask for a time out and step away for a time.
Always deal with it!
Ensure you are doing self-care. When you do not take care of yourself, situations and people around you will become chaotic.
When you take care of YOU the world is a much easier place to live in. You see people as more gracious and loving. You will experience peace and serenity.
