PTSD
As I sit here with my dad, I know his body is slowly fading. He sleeps most often now. Likely a way to escape the feelings of life and the trauma’s he once experienced.
I hold space and send him love. My dad told me only once that he loved me. That was when I was septic from a bowel perforation, and they told my family I only had 24 hours to live. As a man of few words, I know that he loves me. Through his actions the hugs I receive, and his caring eyes.
I feel he is ready to leave this world. His heart is so strong, and his energy is so weak. My dad craves peace of mind and soul. He is afraid to leave this world. For he believes he has done things wrong and feels he will go to hell.
I believe he has already lived through hell. As a war vet he was told to not to speak about his experiences. The only thing he knew was to survive and stuff the emotional trauma of war into his body.
In the book The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel Van Der Kolk, MD talks about soldiers returning home he says, “Trauma, by definition, is unbearable and intolerable.”
Dad lives that life every day. They call it PTSD. He chose to not deal with his trauma and attempted to get on with his life. He is now the shell of the man he once was.
I’d love to know more about him, his life, his experiences. How he feels about the world, himself, etc. When I do ask questions, he experiences anxiety. His brain and body are no longer capable of holding back the memories. When showing him pictures in a magazine and reading articles, it stimulates his brain, and he lives in the trauma of his past for few days. My dad has vascular dementia – he has had mini strokes in his brain for several decades.
I wish peace for dad. For he has not found it on earth. Not even with his mom, dad, or siblings. He didn’t find peace with his wife either. Her criticism caused more trauma. He went into himself and became silent. He once told me, “I remain silent to keep the peace.” He didn’t stand up for himself nor me.
So, I just love him where he’s at and keep the peace for him. By holding space so he may escape into slumber. Where he is shut down, without external expectations or demands.
I love you dad!
